$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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