I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
