mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
