I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
