I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
