Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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