The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
