Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
