Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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