The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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