Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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