my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Semen is not good for contacts.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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