I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
