She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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