i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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