At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
