i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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