the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize