just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
