Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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