I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
