Who did Billy Mays play for?
this beer tastes like vomit already
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
