my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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