six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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