I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
