I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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