Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
