grandma shit on top of the toilet
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
