I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
