I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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