how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
