i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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