phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever