i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.