I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
