kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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