i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
