I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
