Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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