you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
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When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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