I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
