at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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