Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
