sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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