Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
