he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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