my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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