I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
