girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
we're so committed to being not committed
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
