giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
