I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
