when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
