I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I party with great urgency now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
