I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
