Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
