He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
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I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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