meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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