Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
