Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
