So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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